A Day in the Life of Saddam Hussein:

* 7:00 a.m.: Turns on CNN to see if he's been attacked yet.
* 8:00 a.m.: Decides which drab uniform he's going to wear that day.
* 8:30 a.m.: Reads "Beetle Bailey"; grows confident in the ineffectiveness of the American military.
* 9:00 a.m.: Watches "Live! With Rahman and Kathie Lee."
* 10:00 a.m.: Meeting with top advisors canceled when he realizes he's executed all his top advisors.
* 10:30 a.m.: Orders all gigantic portraits of himself made 30% more gigantic.
* 11:30 a.m.: Applies "Honey Roasted Peanuts" labels to cans of nerve gas.
* Noon: Swimming with Tariq Aziz.
* 12:30 p.m.: Consults with scientists who are developing falafel of mass destruction.
* 2:00 p.m.: Late lunch at Baghdad Hooters.
* 3:00 p.m.: Watches "Dr. Phil" for personal guidance as well as mustache grooming tips.
* 3:30 p.m.: Inadvertently signs order to have himself tortured.
* 4:15 p.m.: For the 10th year in a row, Iraqi People Magazine names him "Sexiest Man Alive."
* 5:00 p.m.: Rejects U.N. weapons inspectors.
* 5:01 p.m.: Accepts U.N. weapons inspectors.
* 5:02 p.m.: Rejects U.N. weapons inspectors.
* 5:03 p.m.: Accepts U.N. weapons inspectors.
* 5:04 p.m.: Exhausted, takes nap.
* 1:00 a.m.: Calls Baghdad escorts and asks for "A Christiane Amanpour type."

From last night's Late Show with David Letterman.